BlackHUMOR

                     

 

BlackHUMOR

Knows No Limits…

and sometimes

is neither Black

nor Humorous

BlackHoleHUMOR

RU/209: US/1


Growing concerns over that the Swiss SuperCOLLIDER might cause a nuclear melt-down, or even worse, an anti-matter EXTINCTION Event, have left the $44 Billion project EXPOSED. A recently received radio transmission from the long-lost MARINER planetary explorer spacecraft has scientists puzzled:

Previous oColliAder Equation: BKNT =(hq00

BlackPTSDHUMOR

EW/355; US/1; ATTN:………|-|

Definitely PSTP, em..I mean ESTPm. NO…PYBT…ah. PTSD? Definatly…

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-kerrystuckiniraq.htm

…CCD – CONCURENT COMBAT DESLEXIA!

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BlackBag-hAGHUMOR

ok/388; us/8; [redacted]2; us/1; ATTN: US/17 (pizza-pizza…)

After my tenure at the Central Intelligence Agency [OS, no less!]

I am OUTRAGED by this story!

…As soon as I get this plastic bag off my head I am going to hit you with the business end of my 6 inch stiletto heels!

[us/8]

OPEN SOURCE

us/1; ATTN: cid/2; us/12; us/8; vs/2; us/17 (Pizza?); rt/66; us/121; hst/2

Intelligence expert Crispin Black on why sex games feature in so many spy deaths — May 5 2012

By Crispin Black – former government intelligence adviser

SITTING at the Gareth Williams inquest this week, listening to the more lurid details of the case, it occurred to me the death of spooks in bizarre circumstances involving sex games or women’s clothing is hardly an unusual event…

Don’t judge a cross-dresser until you’ve walked a mile in his spiky heels!

[C-DO/335]

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What did the CIA’s very own in-house Poet, The very CovertCOMIC himself, SAY when NOT asked to Comment on BlackNET Intell’s BlackHUMOR?

—- Covert Comment?: “Humor that’s blacker than black…”

The Covert Comic probably isn’t permitted to speak to you or your group almost any time. Just click here to contact the Covert Comic for details. (Note: you might not be investigated by the FBI, NSA and/or CIA Counterintelligence if you choose not to do so.)

As a CIA officer, I’ve actually met members of the Illuminati. And I can tell you that, aside from the fez hats and tiny cars, they’re basically ordinary folks.

_______________________________________

|__|Joke and dagger.’ – London Daily Mail |_|

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BlackHUMINTRIGHTSHUMOR

CovertCOMIC; US/1; ATTN: Roman.V.DOS

What’s New with The Covert Comic!

(Note: cleared readers only, please.)

Universal Declaration

of

Humint Rights

Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the Humint family is the foundation of justice and peace in the Intelligence Community,

Whereas disregard and contempt for Humint rights have resulted in barbarous acts which have outraged the conscience of Humintkind,

Whereas the advent of a world in which Humint beings shall enjoy freedom of operation has been proclaimed as the highest aspiration of cleared peoples everywhere,

Whereas it is essential to promote the development of friendly relations between intelligence agencies, and in recognition of the fact, known and acknowledged by all cleared peoples, that Humint rights are indispensable to the attainment of this objective,

Now, therefore THE PROGRESSIVE CLEARED PEOPLES AND INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES OF THE WORLD do hereby proclaim THIS UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF HUMINT RIGHTS as a common standard for all intelligence organizations, along with their agents and assets, to the end that every individual and office of said agencies, keeping this Declaration constantly in mind, shall strive through official policy statements, training and (as needed) covert action to promote respect for these Humint rights and freedoms.

Article I.

Every Humint officer shall possess the right to conduct Humint operations free from restriction, stigma, and obstruction or interference by intelligence, counterintelligence, law enforcement and/or internal security services.

Article II.

There shall be no surveillance of Humint officers, or of their assets or developmentals, by counterintelligence and/or security services without prior notification and consent.

i. There shall be no bugging of Humint officer venues (hotel rooms, business offices, safe houses, etc.), nor of rental cars or other means of transportation, nor of Humint officers’ equipment, clothing or persons (to include the brain, mind or spirit) without prior notification and consent.

Article III.

There shall be no torture or other mistreatment of Humint officers. Torture shall be defined as any activity, undertaken or threatened, without the consent of the Humint officer in question, which causes said officer to experience:

i. i. Physical pain or discomfort.

ii. ii. Mental or emotional pain or discomfort (such as discomfort resulting from the playing of loud, bad, or boring music, or the serving of loud, bad or boring food).

iii. iii. A reduced sense of self-esteem.

iv. iv. Lateness for an appointment (whether official or personal).

v. v. Hunger, thirst, or general sense of dissatisfaction.

Article IV.

There shall be no actual or threatened arrest, torture, imprisonment or execution of persons known or suspected to be agents, assets or developmentals of Humint officers, without the latter’s prior notification and consent.

Article V.

The employment of ‘honey traps’ (i.e., the sexual solicitation of Humint officers for purpose of compromise or forced recruitment) shall not occur except with the explicit knowledge and prior consent of the targeted Humint officer.

Article VI.

Humint officers shall not be required to attend more than one (1) Human Resources (HR) course per twenty (20) year period.

i. i. Such courses shall last no longer than two (2) hours, include at least two (2) 15-minute breaks, and shall not include ‘group discussions’ nor any post-course exam or survey, either oral or written.

ii. ii. Humint officers shall not be required to participate in more than one (1) ‘team-building’ exercise per lifetime.

Article VII.

No Humint officer shall ever be required to attend a briefing immediately following lunch.

i. i. Pastry, coffee and other food and beverages provided for briefings shall be of reasonable and humane quality and quantity.

ii. ii. When a briefer asks, either at the conclusion of a briefing or prior to a lunch or other break, if members of the audience have questions, and if one or more audience members do have a question, then all Humint officers in attendance who do not have questions shall be permitted to exit immediately. Humint officers who exit a briefing per the above shall not require permission from the briefer, nor any other person, in order to do so.

Article VIII.

Expense reimbursement requests submitted by Humint officers shall be processed and paid in a timely manner, not to exceed 24 Earth hours.

i. i. The average work required by Humint officers to prepare and submit said requests shall not require more than five (5) minutes time.

ii. ii. Any questions or objections on the part of administrative personnel pertaining to an expense reimbursement request submitted by a Humint officer shall not impede or delay said reimbursement, but shall be resolved post-payment, at the Humint officer’s convenience.

Article IX.

[Classified.]

Article X.

It being universally recognized by all legitimate science that polygraph tests, by their very definition and construct, do not detect deception on the part of persons taking them, but rather only measure a finite set of bodily processes occurring within said persons at the time said tests are administered, no Humint officer anywhere shall ever be subjected to a polygraph test under any circumstance.

i. Polygraphers shall not be considered Humint officers, and shall not possess any of the rights or freedoms described in this Declaration.

Article XI.

Humint officers shall fully own, possess and freely exercise all book publishing, film, Internet, merchandising and other rights and royalties associated with the written, verbal or other accounts of their Humint activities.

i. Humint officers shall be permitted to freely participate in and post social media (for example www.covertcomic.com) without penalty, provided their faces and/or other identifying features are suitably obscured or disguised.

Article XII.

The rights set forth in this Declaration may be extended to include additional Humint rights as appropriate, in accordance with the normal progressive evolution of Humint, the intelligence profession generally, and society as a whole.

The Covert Comic, an ordinary Humint being, officially isn’t on Twitter.

http://www.covertcomic.com/

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BlackVoteHUMOR…?

Perhaps ‘BLACK’ – Definitely NOT Funny…

BlackSSHUMOR

[redacted][redacted][arrested]; US/1[disappeared]; ATTN: Morgue?

 

Secret Service Agents Returning from Colombia

Submitted by Famous SOF-Humorist:

F

BlackBlackNETHUMOR

Tags: GameTrailers.com, Prototype 2 – GC 11: Blackwatch Trailer, PC Games, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360

BlackNET – The GAME – ProtoTYPE II

BlackCYAHUMOR

US/1; ATTN: vic.SAM-too

blackConspiracyTheoryHUMOR

[redacted]/[redacted]; US/1; ATTN: {[redacted]}; JAG/1 & 5; [redacted]; US/8

[ed.note: As previously noted, {[redacted]} is so funny, even his redaction is redacted.

And, moving rapidly up the charts, this Member is alleged to be one of the most comedic in the (relatively small, relatively speaking—What was the question again, Senator?) SpecOPS community.

Indeed, {[‘red’-for short]}, is about to surpass US/8 as the most comedicly virile on the entire, worldwide, global solar BlackNET.

BZ {[BravoZULU]} on that deal {[redacted/redacted]}…and you have now earned a further redaction (w/a CanibisLEAF ClusterF**K] for your Trophy case shelf.

Go figure…US/8]

“You don’t have to be a conspiracy theorist to understand there really are conspiracies in the world,” [Herr Doctor Leitner] said.

Conspiracies? That’s ridiculous! “Conspiracy” is for delusional paranoids.

There is no such thing as a “conspiracy”. Nobody anywhere is ever arrested, charged or prosecuted for agreeing secretly to do or to not do something, the resulting action or inaction of which may or may not constitute a “crime” under the law.

Actually, there’s no such thing as “crime”. There’s no such thing as “law”, either. In fact, “conspiracy” isn’t even a real word. Some linguists got together and secretly made it up.

BlackBabeHUMOR

US/80; US/1; ATTN: Which is the Better Half…again?

5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN• (1) FINE – this is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP. (2) NOTHING – means SOMETHING & u need to be WORRIED. (3) GO AHEAD – this is a dare, not permission, do NOT do it. (4) WHATEVER – is a woman’s way of saying SCREW YOU. (5) THAT’S OK – she is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.

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BlackDogHUMOR

US/94; US/1

My wee Scottish dog

My   Dog

Went   down this morning to Centrelink to sign my Dog on   welfare.

The   woman said “Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit”. I explained to   her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can’t speak English and has no   clue who his dad is.

She   looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

He   gets his first cheque on Friday.

Damn   this is a great country.

——————————

BlackInappropriateOpOrtunityHUMOR

US/[redacted]; US/1; ATTN: ‘Happy’ Weekenders…

Looking to invest in an off-shore business enterprise?


A friend just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof!

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BlackCowHUMOR

ForeignPolicy.com; US/1

BY KARIM SADJADPOUR

COLD WAR COWS:

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes the cows.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

MIDDLE-EASTERN COWS:

Saudi Arabia
You have two cows with endless reserves of milk. Gorge them with grass, prevent them from interacting with bulls, and import South Asians to milk them.

Iran
You have two cows. You interrogate them until they concede they are Zionist agents. You send their milk to southern Lebanon and Gaza, or render it into highly enriched cream. International sanctions prevent your milk from being bought on the open market.

Syria
You have five cows, one of whom is an Alawite. Feed the Alawite cow well; beat the non-Alawite cows. Use the milk to finance your wife’s shopping sprees in London.

Lebanon
You have two cows. Syria claims ownership over them. You take them abroad and start successful cattle farms in Africa, Australia, and Latin America. You send the proceeds back home so your relatives can afford cosmetic surgery and Mercedes-Benzes.

Hezbollah
You have no cows. During breaks from milking on the teat of the Iranian cow you call for Israel’s annihilation.

Iraq
You have three cows: one Sunni, one Shiite, and one Kurd. The first is milked by Saudi Arabia, the second by Iran, and the third smuggles its milk abroad. The United States picks up the manure.

Bahrain
You have three cows: two Shiites and one Sunni. Invite Saudi Arabia to come kill a Shiite cow and import another Sunni cow.

Yemen
You have two cows. Feed them khat instead of grass and neglect to milk them. Watch them fight each other.

Hosni Mubarak’s Egypt
You have 10 cows. Neglect to tend to them, but prevent them from fighting Israel in order to get milk from America.

Post-Mubarak Egypt
You have 10 cows who think they now own the farm. There’s still no milk.

Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali’s Tunisia
You have two cows. Beat them regularly and use the milk money for your wife’s shopping sprees in Paris. When the cows revolt, retire to Saudi Arabia.

Post-Ben Ali Tunisia
See post-Mubarak Egypt.

Libya
You have two cows. You wish they were camels. Feed them only your words of wisdom and kill them if they dare moo.

Turkey
You have two cows and one sheep. You claim that the sheep is really a “mountain cow.”

Qatar
You have one cow that has hundreds of udders. You use the limitless milk money to set up a television channel that broadcasts the other cows in the region being milked (except Saudi Arabia’s).

United Arab Emirates
You have two cows. You bring in Filipino nannies, South Asian laborers, and Russian prostitutes to make sure they’re well taken care of. Sell the milk to build the world’s biggest shopping mall.

Jordan
You have one cow, surrounded by wolves. Pretend that it’s a magic cow that has the power to pacify wild animals, and then ask America for milk.

Palestine
You had two cows that were lost decades ago. Lament them.

Israel
You have two bulls. Pretend they are helpless calves.

—Comments:

USA

You have 10 cows and believe, without any real basis, that your cows are the biggest and the best in the world at everything. Threaten to destroy the fields, cows and milk of anyone who dares disagree with you and invade anyone who actually does have better cows.

http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2011/06/15/the_cynical_dairy_farmer_s_guide_to_the_new_middle_east

[Information contained in BKNT E-mail is considered Attorney-Client and Attorney Work Product privileged, copyrighted and confidential. Views that may be expressed are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect those of any government, agency, or news organization.]

Black-ISIHUMOR

BlackFIVE.net; US/1

Pakistani Intelligence Announces Its Full Cooperation With U.S. Forces During Upcoming Top Secret June 12 Drone Strike On Al-Qaeda At 5:23 A.M. Near Small Town Of Razmani In North Waziristan

A Pakistani official shows exactly

where the 5:23 a.m. sharp—no later

—strike will occur.

ISLAMABAD—Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence agency restated Thursday its commitment to the fight against terrorism, pledging full cooperation with U.S. forces during the upcoming strike on an al-Qaeda safe house on June 12 at 5:23 a.m. near the small town of Razmani in the remote tribal region of North Waziristan.

At a hastily convened press conference, ISI chief Lt. Gen. Ahmed Shuja Pasha called Pakistan’s long- standing partnership with the United States “stronger than ever,” explaining that both countries share an interest in rooting out al-Qaeda before its leaders have time to gather their secret cache of hidden weapons and move to a new location, possibly a tribal area in northwest Pakistan where Pasha said U.S. intelligence is limited in both its sophistication and reach.

“Make no mistake, Pakistan stands shoulder to shoulder with our American allies in hunting down those who threaten our national security,” said Pasha, circling the exact location of the safe house on a large satellite photo of the town. “And we will show no mercy in targeting them, whether it be on the battlefield or, perhaps, in a bunker where the walls are thicker and offer better protection from Predator drone attacks.”

“These are highly dangerous men,” he continued, “who will be taken out at 5:23 a.m. I repeat: The strike begins at 5:23 a.m.”

Pasha emphasized the ISI’s extensive integration with U.S. forces in planning the attack, saying that the specific time was agreed upon to ensure the terrorists wouldn’t try to escape across the porous Afghan border, which he noted is often poorly guarded—especially near the town of Shirhani—at that hour of the morning.

Pasha added that the drones would be coming from the west, targeting the main part of the compound where al-Qaeda operatives would likely be sleeping and not loading all laptops, assault rifles, sensitive documents detailing plans for future attacks, and shoulder-to-air missile launchers into pickup trucks and fleeing as quickly as possible.

In addition, Pasha thanked American CIA operative Aban Changwani, who he said has been working undercover for quite some time. Pasha confirmed that because Changwani had grown a beard to blend in with al-Qaeda members, he more than likely looked different than the picture currently being shown to reporters.

“Throughout the mission, we will be in constant contact with American commanders, providing up-to-the minute intelligence assessments and information on enemy movements,” Pasha said. “As the strike unfolds, real-time updates will be transmitted to them via UHF frequency 11.2535.”

Added Pasha, “We’ve also changed the code words we use with the Americans, which is vital to our overall communications strategy.”

Specifically, he explained unprompted, Tango, Thunderclap, Pinnacle, Bourbon, Serum, Flinch, Rotary, Wigwam, Crimson, Notebook, and Cask have been replaced by Backpack, Brunette, Icicle, Hallway, Cyclone, Archer, Mustang, Cabin, Velvet, Gambler, Foothold, and Brick.

Pasha said that in addition to U.S. Apache helicopters circling Razmani to prevent the escape of any terrorist operatives, the ISI would be setting up extensive checkpoints on all roads leading north, south, and west out of the town

“I know if I were a member of al-Qaeda, I’d want to cover my tracks very carefully,” Pasha said. “Because any evidence that hasn’t been carted away through the back alley near the market will be turned over to U.S. special forces, who will arrive approximately one hour later and will have full access to the site.”

“And what I definitely wouldn’t do is try to escape to one of the other safe houses in town, since the Americans already have them under surveillance, and have been watching them for quite some time,” he added.

CIA director Leon Panetta praised Lt. Gen. Pasha’s announcement, calling his ISI counterpart an indispensable ally in the ongoing fight against terrorism.

“We’ve certainly had our differences, but I appreciate the candidness and transparency he brings to our joint operations,” Panetta said. “Though there may be some elements within his organization sympathetic to al- Qaeda, I know we have a trustworthy partner at the head of the ISI.”

As of press time, the U.S. has given Pakistan more than $20 billion in aid since Sept. 11, 2001.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pakistani-intelligence-announces-its-full-cooperat,20681/

[Information contained in BKNT E-mail is considered Attorney-Client and Attorney Work Product privileged, copyrighted and confidential. Views that may be expressed are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect those of any government, agency, or news organization.]

——————————————————————————

BlackNewfyNAVYHUMOR

US/1

Navigational error

Below is a transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”

Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.”

Americans: “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT’S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.”

Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. It’s your call.”

http://www.tk421.net/humor/military.html

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bLACKnEWSHUMOR

US/80; US/1 – A ‘Happy’ and Warm Memorial Day to ALL…

And a bit of the old BlackVAULT to YOU

An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective …..

1. The Wall St Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The NY Times is read by people who think they should run the country, & who are very good at crossword puzzles.


4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The NY Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.


5. The LA Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time — & if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.


6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.


7. The NY Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country & don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.


8. The NY Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.


9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.


10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.


11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.


12. The Portland Oregonian is read by people who have recently caught a fish & need something to wrap it in.

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Blackx-rAYHUMOR

————————————————

BlackSealhumor

Rate Of Uninformed Conversations About Navy SEALs Skyrockets

May 11, 2011 | ISSUE 47•19

WASHINGTON—The frequency and detail of uninformed conversations about the required strength, agility, and killing abilities of the Navy SEALs has increased exponentially since the SEAL-led operation to kill Osama bin Laden, Pentagon officials told reporters Monday.

“Since last week, the number of people who have incorrectly stated that all SEAL members must do 300 pull-ups in a minute, earn advanced calculus degrees from MIT, and be able to hold their breath underwater for an hour, has been extraordinarily high,” said Pentagon press secretary Geoff Morrell, adding that the comment, “I heard you need to be able shoot a quarter from a mile away after running for four hours straight,” has been idiotically uttered in more than 65 percent of discussions related to the military operation.

“Just to set the record straight: Navy SEALs are allowed to talk to their families. Ninety percent of them do not die during training. And members of SEAL Team Six did not have to fight and kill a tiger shark in order to be admitted.”

Morrell added that current enlistment numbers couldn’t possibly account for the number of Americans claiming they have an uncle in the Navy SEALs.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/rate-of-uninformed-conversations-about-navy-seals,20371/

BlackBALLhumor

US/60; US/1

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is? BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is? BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is? FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is? BASEBALL.

The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And….

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is? GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

…There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

BlackSharkHUMOR

US/80; US/5; Ft.Worth Star-Telegram; NavySEALs; US/1

Howie: When a SEAL team comes a knocking that’s Abbottabad as it gets.

http://www.star-telegram.com/2011/05/02/3044511/navy-seals-role-in-bin-ladens.html#ixzz1LIqIRQWQ

______________

From the Brit father of an Australian Army major currently in Afghanistan:

He tells me that the most popular line in military circles right now is as follows:

“Bin Laden’s followers have been seen on the pier in Karachi looking out to the sea and wondering what’s eating him.”

_________________

Steve Mitchell In an interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn’t think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said, “I believe that forgiving them is God’s function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting.”

______________

FACEBOOK: U.S. Navy SEAL & SWCC Page

Government Organization · San Diego, California

Janette Mary 5-2-11 — 9PM

Now I lay me down to sleep…one less terrorist this world does keep…with all my heart I give my thanks…to those in uniform regardless of ranks…you serve our country and serve it well…with humble hearts your stories tell…so as I rest my weary eyes…while freedom rings our flag still flies…you give your all, do what you must…with God we live and God we trust….
Amen.

http://www.facebook.com/usnavyseals?sk=wall

BlackSnakeHUMOR

BlackNET NavySEALs.com

US/1; US/60; Unknown LE

[BKNT –BlackSnakeHUMOR Sat 1/28/2006 4:50 PM]

AN ANALYSIS OF US LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES UPON ENCOUNTERING A VENOMOUS SNAKE WITHIN THEIR JURISDICTION

1. FBI:
Searches for but cannot locate snake. After snake is caught by the local police, FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds press conference and assumes credit for capture of [a] snake.

2. USSS (Secret Service):
Forms a protective ring of agents around snake and escorts to a safe area.

3. ATF:
Sends SRT team to arrest snake; they expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down killing the snake and other local fauna. At a Congressional inquiry makes a presentation on why additional funding is required to properly train agents how to battle the threat of snakes.

4. TSA:
Abides by Congressional ruling to prevent “profiling” of venomous snakes, which requires “random” snake inspections. Venomous snake escapes while TSA officials strip-search non-venomous species.

5. IRS-CID:
Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30 pm.

6. ICE:
After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. Snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.

7. DEA:
Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snakes cell phone after discovering that the above agencies have begun an investigation on the snake. Spends $3M to discover the snake is not Colombian.

8. U.S. Attorney’s Office:
Declines prosecution out of “professional courtesy.”


9. USBP (Border Patrol)

Captures snake. Cannot communicate with snake resulting in recruitment drive for snake handlers. Takes snake back to border (for the 4th time).

10. Sheriff’s Office

Shoots snake after driving over it several times. Puts snake in another City Police Officer’s car while parked in jail parking area.

INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY (IC) SNAKE ANALYSIS INTER-AGENCY REVIEW COMMITTEE (NIC/IC-SA/I-ARC)

CIA-DO: Recruits snake. Intelligence Medals awarded.

CIA-CTC: Retracts previous snake ‘threat indicator’ cover sheet from snake 201 file.

CIA-DI: Disputes snake ID; files complaint that snake intelligence is being “politicized.”

STATE: Mexico Desk cables missive on Mexican snake policy: REF: DNI cable ‘What snake?’

DNI: What snake?

NSA: No one is ‘cleared’ high enough to be briefed on ANY snake SIGINT, or even the fact that they may not actually have any.

Congressional Oversight Committees: Hold closed snake hearings; ‘deplore’ coming snake epidemic and demand NSA institute ‘crash’ snake handler language program.

FBI: Launches investigation of possible CIA-DI leak of ‘classified’ undercover snake ID to NYT.

NYT: Editorial demands ‘Open’ Congressional hearings and a Special Prosecutor.

WHITE HOUSE: Stonewalls; claims FISA foreign snake exemption.

INDEPENDENT COUNSEL appointed.

Reporter Bob Woodard goes to jail to protect the snake…

[US/1]

[Information contained in BKNT E-mail is considered Attorney-Client and Attorney Work Product privileged, copyrighted and confidential. Views that may be expressed are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect those of any government, agency, or news organization.]

 

Channel IntelligenceBlackHUMOR

[redacted]; US/1

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up
a conversation.


The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, “So why are you
here?”

The yellow Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the
curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black Lab said, “So what’s the vet going to do?

“Gonna cut my nuts off “came the reply from the yellow Lab. “They reckon
it’ll calm me down.

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked “Why are you here?”

The Black Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in
my owners’ couch.”

“So what are they going to do to you?” the Yellow Lab inquired.

“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, “Why are you here?”

“I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything
I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back
and started hammering away.”

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, “So, it’s
nuts off for you too, huh?

The Great Dane said, “No, apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped!”

——————————–

blackyellowsnowhumor

US/80 & Sub-Member; US/1

[ed.note: For Member aficionados of the limited category of CanadianHUMOR, the below item is in fact NOT a ‘BLONDE Joke,’ but a NEWFIE Joke.

Newfie’s are the Blonde Polish Aggies who immigrated from West Virginia and settled in Newfoundland, by choice…]

What to Do When It Snows In Newfoundland …

One winter morning a husband and wife in Cornerbrook were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today..

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park…..” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.

Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to GOOD Newfoundland WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied,

“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

BlackRUMOR:

Yikes…thought   Hawaii was Christian?

Got   Lipstick…?

[Information contained in BKNT E-mail is considered Attorney-Client and Attorney Work Product privileged, copyrighted and confidential. Views that may be expressed are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect those of any government, agency, or news organization.]

——————————————————-

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